Learnalilgivinanlovin

Procrastination, that old thief of time, persists and as my digestive tract heads into what feels like round ten of an unfairly matched super-heavyweight boxing match I am staring at my computer screen willing myself to work. Obviously I have failed. Frustratingly, even though my To Do list is both long and filled with interesting projects, I just can’t muster enough concentration to actually do anything useful today. It strikes me as quite fortunate that I’m not likely to ever do anything really important like run a country; the thought of standing up in parliament and saying “Ah, we won’t be signing the Universal Declaration Against Scented Dunny Paper today, I was far too preoccupied with procrastination last night to read it. Apologies everyone” is about as appealing as scented dunny paper itself.

Instead of merely counting down the minutes until I can go home where I can begin the busy business of procrastinating all over again, I’ve decided to share three Somewhat Surprising Things I’ve Learned Lately.

Number one: The orna is the most useful piece of clothing ever invented.

While it’s primary purpose as the third piece of a salwaar kameez (the pyjamas I wear every day) is to convince the world there are no such thing as boobs, the orna’s real value lies in all the other things it does so much better. In the past week I’ve used my orna: to cover my nose and avoid smelling sewage, as a pillow case in a hotel that believes washing linen is optional, to keep my hair out of my vomit, to ward off goosebumps, and as a shield against sunburn. In ode to the orna I’m already planning a feature film where the damsel saves herself from distress using only an orna – a modern day Bondess, she’ll stun everyone with her stylish solutions and the sale of ornas everywhere will take the world by storm, solving the economic crisis as the credits roll.

Number two: Just as what goes up must come down, what goes in must come out

However what comes out doesn’t necessarily correlate to what goes in in the first place. This goes against all the things I learned in elementary physics, but given that I didn’t exactly pay attention in physics, it is possible I missed some Newtonian law or other that can be applied to explain the phenomenon of Bangla Belly. Whatever the reason for it, though, my body seems to have developed the impressive ability to purge things I’ve never even eaten, at quite an alarming rate.

Number three: Squat toilets were invented by someone very, very smart.

As I practiced the art of multitasking on the weekend by simultaneously managing to: stay squatting upright and offer my bum as a blood bank for the local mosquitoes while holding my breath and praying to all the gods I’ve ever heard of (just to make sure I’ve covered all my bases) – I also took the time to sing the praises of the squat toilet. An invention which means no part of my skin has to come in contact with my surroundings when I’m in a particularly unsavoury public toilet is so wonderful I find it difficult to understand why the western world has rejected this obvious stroke of genius.

While I'm on the topic, I can’t understand why we humans - as the most intelligent life forms on planet Earth who have made it possible for me to text message my sister as she crosses the Nullarbor while I’m emerging from a cave on the other side of the Equator – have not mastered the art of going to the toilet without making a mess. I mean, it’s not like we don’t get enough practice. We go every single day, usually more than once. How hard can it be to learn to get it in the hole? Really?

While these three things may not be as surprising to you as they were to me, what is less surprising (given the recurrent theme throughout this post) is my inability to concentrate considering my body has spent much of the past fortnight forcefully rejecting every nutrient I dare to consume and even the ones I only contemplate consuming but never actually do.

No really, you should come to Bangladesh – solid stools were so 2008 anyway.